The trouble with Radio 2

I have just turned off Radio 2. Again. This happens every day. I know, you'll probably tell me I shouldn't have been listening to it in the first place, but it's easier than getting up to keep changing CDs and Radio 1 is just a retrograde step, for reasons too obvious to warrant a mention. And sometimes Radio 2 does manage to play some reasonable and even good music. I heard Heartache Avenue by The Maisonettes last week and that's a classic in my book. Terry Wogan played it. Yes, I know...

Now, at my age (forty...hmmm-hah) I fall nicely into the R2 demographic, plus I'm opinionated as well as being an old git so I tend to see eye to eye with the likes of Ken Bruce (I know... again). But I keep having to turn the bloody station off. Why's that then?

Simple. Their playlist. It's narrow, repetitive and seems to have been constructed in cahoots with the management of one or two undeserving artists, whose music is played constantly throughout the day. The worst offenders in this category are usually songs that are 'current' (as in, they're either out now or they will be soon - so you've been warned). But there are others. Like bloody The Kaiser Chiefs. I'm sorry. I mean BLOODY The Kaiser Chiefs. I don't need to hear "Ruby Ruby Ruby" again, ever and I don't believe anyone else on planet Earth does either. Yet scarcely a week goes by without this infernal song cropping up two, three or maybe more times on Radio 2 - and that's only during the hours when I listen (usually nine to five, though I frequently make exceptions for Radcliffe and Maconie - well, somebody has to).

Why does Ruby get played so much? Well, it's a classic, isn't it? Actually, no. To acquire true classic status, a pop song has to spend a required amount of time in the wilderness, and by this I'm talking about that dry, desolate hinterland of no-radio-play. We, the listening public, need to be allowed time to forget. We need a trial separation, Ruby and I. Then, maybe one day, five years from now, we might meet again on a fairground waltzer and I'll suddenly hear what I've been missing all this time.

All the greats have been to that audio wilderness - in the early 70s, you could barely hear The Beatles or any 60s acts on daytime radio (still less after dark where strange creatures like John Peel held sway). They were old hat, you see. And they didn't get played to death in the way modern music does.

At least Ruby isn't in the charts any more (is it? How the hell would I know - I don't even know if they have pop charts any more). What I do know is what's supposed to be 'current' on Radio 2, for these are, generally, the worst offenders. I'm talking about songs that outstayed their welcome in less time than it takes to play them through once. If they were your friends, you'd hide behind the curtains with the lights out when they came round. But these songs are not my friends. Oh dear me no...

Right now, there are several tracks that are guaranteed to get me up from the computer and across to the 'off' switch. One of them is by something or someone called Hockey (honestly, and I thought all the really crap band names had been done - seems not). If I hear it again, I will throw the radio through the window - of Broadcasting House. The other (we won't even mention Mika here) is by a band with an even worse name than Hockey (if that's possible). I'm talking here about the 'Yeah Yous'. Great name, guys - only sounds almost exactly the same as the 'Yeah Yeah Yeahs.' The music, however, doesn't. What they have out at the moment is a sort of bad eighties knock-off (worse even than the execrable 'Acceptable in the Eighties'). I'm not even going to dignify the offending song by mentioning its title here but it is dreary, processed-production offal lacking in imagination, excitement, daring or any of the other qualities that pop songs once aspired to.

Today, Steve Wrong (in the Afternoon) played these two offenders back to back - as if they hadn't already had enough airplay earlier in the day when I couldn't be arsed to get up and switch them off. That did it for me. True, I should know better than to be listening to Steve Wrong, but, well, I was a bit busy and sometimes it's just easier to let him witter on in the background than making the effort to silence the infernal man.

Now, neither of these songs, taken in moderation (like once, and never again) is really bad enough to cause grave aural offence, but when you're subjected to them hour after hour, day in day out for weeks (weeks? It seems more like years) one can easily lose the will to live. The big problem is, we're dealing with a whole genre of music here that Radio 2 has carved out for itself. I call it 'Radio 2 Lite.' It's like music, but it isn't, and it can swallow up the most surprising of artists - people you used to like until their latest single came out and got carpet-bombed to death on the airwaves.

Once, long ago, I heard Parachutes by Coldplay at a party and thought it was 'quite good' (the best I could manage, in all honesty). How long ago that seems now. Coldplay are top of the offenders register on the Radio 2-Lite playlist. Everything they put out seems guaranteed to annoy you from the word go, from his fey complaining voice to the "oh for god's sake do something else" production. I think they probably started this whole Radio-2 Lite thing going, because it was a Coldplay song (actually I prefer to misspell their name as 'Clodplay') that first really seriously made me have to turn the radio off, like it was an imperative that I couldn't ignore. The song? Well, I don't honestly remember the title, but in it, the very, very wealthy Mr. Martin complained about being 'lost' and having crossed 'lines I shouldn't have crossed.' He was also 'tired and under prepared.' Well dear me! Pop lyricism doesn't come much more tragic than that, does it?

The first few times it got played I barely noticed this song as it seeped from my radio set (I think it was designed to have precisely that effect); but gradually it crept up on me until I realised I couldn't bear that awful man's voice any longer. Now, if you're going to listen to a song four or five times a day for several weeks, the lyrics had better be damn good, because if you're me you start to notice them, and once you start to notice them, you begin to pick them apart. This usually doesn't take too long - a typical Clodplay effort can be reduced to a ball of unravelled wool in minutes. Once the lyrics have gone, there's only the music left. Need I say more?

Let's take this thing by 'Hockey' as an example - the whole song seems to have been contrived to sound as much like Bob Dylan/ Tom Petty as possible - which should be a good thing. Only it aint. This is a song with less than nothing to say, and by definition, a song that didn't need to have been written, still less recorded. "I stole my personality from an anonymous source" sings the singer, as if it wasn't bleeding obvious who he's talking about. Pity he didn't steal the tune while he was at it, and maybe, oh I don't know, an idea or two. The 'melody' (if I can call it that) is mostly linear - which is to say he sings it all on the same note - I think there may be a second note somewhere but I could be wrong about that. And the chorus, as if it's intended to explain anything, informs us that tomorrow is 'just a song away'. Not this song, guys. Tomorrow, the song will be the same, and the day after and the day after that until the wretched thing finally drops off the cliff of Radio 2 and into oblivion. Ah, would that it were as simple as that (as Robert Robinson might have said). For 'Hockey' will surely return to haunt us in the afterlife of the Radio 2 playlists when, in about three weeks time, this disposable pop artefact will have acquired the same (ahem, ahem) 'classic' status as Ruby by the SODDING Kaiser Chiefs.

The world, let alone Radio 2, does not owe any of these bands a living. There's only so much airplay in one lifetime - let's stop wasting it by repeating the same tedious rot over and over again. There are still bands out there making interesting, innovative music and occasionally you'll hear them on the likes of Radcliffe and Maconie (though even this worthy pair are obliged to include a few from the 'Lite' list).

I know I should really be listening to 6 Music. But my digital radio doesn't work. Should I get it fixed, or should Radio 2 get their scheduling fixed? I know which is the more likely to happen...